Email Like a Boss. Really?

Someone at work shared this image yesterday. Or the day before. It doesn’t matter.

As with most things, I have irrationally strong opinions. But, I have this here blog and it’s been ages since I posted. So, I present my evaluation of “emailing like a boss.” (No offense to @danidonovan. Well, not a lot anyway.)

Late email responses

Don’t do this unless they’ve actually displayed patience. If they haven’t, it just sounds passive-aggressive. While it may be appropriate in some cases, it’s a crappy default response. It eschews knowable sentiments from the sender in favor of assumptions about the recipient. I certainly don’t want to be thanked for patience if I’ve been angrily waiting on someone else. Besides, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with apologizing for keeping someone hanging.

Calendaring

This one’s entirely circumstantial. I mean, if you have a specific time request, fine. But if you’re using it as some sort of Outlook jiu jitsu, well that’s just douchey. I don’t attend a lot of meetings or block out time for tasks. As such, my calendar is pretty open. I’m usually scheduling meetings with people who are far more constrained. So yeah, I want to know what time works for them. I’m not going to imply some sort of preference where one doesn’t exist. Just because my time is flexible, doesn’t mean I don’t value it or expect others to. I hate this one.

You’re welcome

No. Just no. I don’t understand this one at all. At least the others are trying to convey a sense of assertiveness. But this? This is just going for some mealy-mouth, ass-kissing bullshit. Real talk: I am NOT always happy to help. No one is. “No problem” is perfectly acceptable, but if it bothers you for some reason there’s a well-established alternative: go with a fucking “You’re welcome.” And those asshole exclamation points. Ugh. I hate this one more than the last.

Suggestions/Directions

These are both shit. The first is farcically passive, the second can make you sound like a dick. Especially if you’re a dude talking to women (sorry-not-sorry, mansplaining is real). How about “I think we should…” or, if you’re particularly strong in your convictions “We should….” If you’re making a suggestion, own it. But also understand that hey, it’s entirely possible someone else may have a suggestion. One that actually might be the best.

Rewriting

Some people are writers and care. Other people are writers and don’t. Others are talkers. I don’t want to talk. I want to avoid talking at all costs. And just because something is difficult to word does NOT mean it’s automatically better to talk in person. There are a number of scenarios in which an email, even a difficult one to compose, is better. Sometimes you need a record. Sometimes something is sensitive/awkward, and more so in person. Sometimes someone has a thick accent the other person can’t understand. Sometimes people have to email me. Whatever. This is totally a matter of preference and, again, circumstance.

Understanding

Again, entirely dependent on context. If it is something particularly complex, new, or to someone junior, the first suggests the sender knows the reader may not get it and welcomes questions to guide clarification. The second one seems so terse and boilerplate that the reader may not understand the sender is actually expecting followup. Although really, this is a way more legit scenario for that whole “We should talk about this” thing.

Checking in

Oh, lordy. These are two distinct emails. If you need an update, like, now, send the second. But if you haven’t been waiting to hear about something (aka, being patient….) send the first. If you are genuinely checking in, the second is pretty fucking aggressive. As a recipient, I’d assume the sender thinks I’ve dropped the ball.

Errors

That second response sounds so disingenuous. Especially with those damned exclamation points. The first one is okay, but really, what’s wrong with a simple “Ooops – here you go.” While there’s nothing inherently wrong with an apology, small errors don’t require them. And they certainly don’t require “Thanks for letting me know [exclamation point].” 

Schedule change

Yeah, this one I agree with. Except it should just be “I need to leave at _____” – why you’re leaving ain’t none of their damn business.